Right before I left Humanities at the end of Fall Semester 2004, Mr. Murdock had left feathers on everyone's desk. The feathers represented hope, and he took out the magic box and told us to throw in a wish. I remember my wish, and I guess it's ok to share it now since it seems to have come true. I wished that my decision to go on independent study and change my life all around would be all that I needed it to be. I like how things are now. Of course I'll never know if things would have gotten better or worse being at school full time, but when you make a choice you always have to live with NOT KNOWING how one of the possibilities will turn out.
Tonight I came home frustrated. I had just wanted to go out with the Twilight Treasures, do something positive and I got the third degree from my parents. It felt like they could swear my whole life isn't one big OVER-ACHIEVEMENT... like I don't deserve more trust or less childish boundaries. I was irritated with the difficulty in allowing just a little bit of freedom. Anyways, not wanting to waste a perfectly good night just being irritated and not being productive, I started to clean my room. I'm embarrassed to say that my room has been horrible. It was clean for most of the summer, beautifully clean actually, but then at some point things started to get hectic and getting a night to EVER clean it began to seem impossible.
I started to clean in strategic areas. First I picked up all the random papers and boxes that I had lying around from things I have bought and from my mail. Then I gathered the two piles I had made of dirty laundry into one. I put my shoes away in my closet and took out a couple of pairs that weren't even mine but somehow I ended up with. I finally cleaned the blades of my fan which I could see the dust building on. Then I started to clear off my desk, which wasn't too bad. I figured clear the floor and desk so that when I put away the things that are on my bed they can go where they belongs. After my desk was clean I decided to light my three little candles and one big candle. My feather from Humanities was by the candles as always, and I was careful to put it in a location where it would catch fire. For some reason, I am very protective of that hope... that wish.... Partly because of what the wish was, but mostly because I knew when Mr. Murdock gave us the feathers and took out his magic box that was what I would miss from Humanities. Just that... atmosphere. I went about cleaning only to come back and see that two of my candles had leaked out onto my desk and a third candle was on its way. I blew them out (which pushed away the feather a little bit) and began to clean up their mess. I put the candle that was about to overflow over towards the big candle and put the feather back in between them as I usually would. I had just been thinking about how well I took care of that feather and how long I've had it. I was thinking about how I had two feathers at one point... I somehow got an extra and I brought them both because I think I also made a wish about Brandon on the second. I had lost that second feather quite a while ago, but my first feather, my special feather, I had somehow managed to keep and had no desire to dispose of as of yet. Right while I was thinking these very things, the feather rubbed into some of the liquid candle wax. I tried to wipe it off before it hardened but the feather was too delicate and began to fall apart. It was only on the bottom of the feather so I decided to just face it the other way. While I was turning it around, the other end also touched the wax. I sighed and just decided it was time to let go and throw it away. It was a fantasy I was holding onto. I could never have that Humanities feeling again, it's impossible. Even if I gave up my whole life as it is now for full time school at Windsor High School it could never be the fantasy I wanted school to be. I wanted the whole high school experience. I have never told this part of why I went on independent study to the open world of the internet, but not that many people read this live-journal thing anymore anyway so I suppose it isn't too revealing. Anyway, I wanted the experience. From football games to dances to life long best friends. I wanted it. But for some reason that wasn't meant for me. I tried but I couldn't. It was awkward. It was forced. I felt like I was on the outside even though I wasn't. Or maybe I was. I don't know. But it was JUST a fantasy. I looked up and saw an address I have had on my desk for probably almost a year. It is the address of someone I used to be very close with. I have this address because this person is now basically out of my life but we were supposed to "keep in touch". I realized that address still sitting there was also a fantasy. I clear my desk of everything except those things that I use on a daily basis, such as my cell phone which I will take with me whenever I go out of my room and my sunglasses which I will pick up as soon as the sun is out and I go outside. The only other things are decoration, or something I need to fill out/waiting for a response on right away, HOT things as we say at Micro-Vu. Knowing very well that the only things that are on my desk besides decoration are important things that are currently in use, this address that is sitting there has become a fantasy. I guess it always was a fantasy. It hit me like a ton of bricks that so many things that I have refused to let go of for "practical" reasons and have never used are fantasies. I mean I have mementos and know that is what they are, but when I think that I'm keeping it because I will use it and I don't, it is a fantasy. The feather was a fantasy of an experience that I wanted that didn't turn out how I wanted. I didn't want to let go of the feather because I want to hold on to the hope of having the equivalent of that experience somewhere on later in life. I am still holding onto the address that is on my desk that I have not used once because I'm still holding onto the fantasy of the friendships that I have had in the past and cannot seem to find at the moment. I have wonderful friends, but I want a soul tie. I'm not dying for one at the moment, I am really not hurting about that right now, but I think that's why I still have that address. It's still sitting there.