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Sunday, December 4th, 2005

Time:7:49 pm.
Mood: nauseated.
Cansado del camino
Sediento de Ti
Un desierto he cruzado
Sin fuerzas he quedado
Vengo a Ti.

Luché como soldado
Y a veces sufrí
Y aunque la lucha he ganado
Mi armadura he desgastado
Vengo a Ti.

En el río de tu Espíritu
Necesito refrescar
Este seco corazón
Sediento de ti.

Three days left. That's all it is. I can take it. I'll make it. I miss her so much it hurts.
mmm.... RRRRRAWR! *bites*

Saturday, September 24th, 2005

Subject:The wish
Time:12:01 am.
Mood: indescribable.
Right before I left Humanities at the end of Fall Semester 2004, Mr. Murdock had left feathers on everyone's desk. The feathers represented hope, and he took out the magic box and told us to throw in a wish. I remember my wish, and I guess it's ok to share it now since it seems to have come true. I wished that my decision to go on independent study and change my life all around would be all that I needed it to be. I like how things are now. Of course I'll never know if things would have gotten better or worse being at school full time, but when you make a choice you always have to live with NOT KNOWING how one of the possibilities will turn out.

Tonight I came home frustrated. I had just wanted to go out with the Twilight Treasures, do something positive and I got the third degree from my parents. It felt like they could swear my whole life isn't one big OVER-ACHIEVEMENT... like I don't deserve more trust or less childish boundaries. I was irritated with the difficulty in allowing just a little bit of freedom. Anyways, not wanting to waste a perfectly good night just being irritated and not being productive, I started to clean my room. I'm embarrassed to say that my room has been horrible. It was clean for most of the summer, beautifully clean actually, but then at some point things started to get hectic and getting a night to EVER clean it began to seem impossible.

I started to clean in strategic areas. First I picked up all the random papers and boxes that I had lying around from things I have bought and from my mail. Then I gathered the two piles I had made of dirty laundry into one. I put my shoes away in my closet and took out a couple of pairs that weren't even mine but somehow I ended up with. I finally cleaned the blades of my fan which I could see the dust building on. Then I started to clear off my desk, which wasn't too bad. I figured clear the floor and desk so that when I put away the things that are on my bed they can go where they belongs. After my desk was clean I decided to light my three little candles and one big candle. My feather from Humanities was by the candles as always, and I was careful to put it in a location where it would catch fire. For some reason, I am very protective of that hope... that wish.... Partly because of what the wish was, but mostly because I knew when Mr. Murdock gave us the feathers and took out his magic box that was what I would miss from Humanities. Just that... atmosphere. I went about cleaning only to come back and see that two of my candles had leaked out onto my desk and a third candle was on its way. I blew them out (which pushed away the feather a little bit) and began to clean up their mess. I put the candle that was about to overflow over towards the big candle and put the feather back in between them as I usually would. I had just been thinking about how well I took care of that feather and how long I've had it. I was thinking about how I had two feathers at one point... I somehow got an extra and I brought them both because I think I also made a wish about Brandon on the second. I had lost that second feather quite a while ago, but my first feather, my special feather, I had somehow managed to keep and had no desire to dispose of as of yet. Right while I was thinking these very things, the feather rubbed into some of the liquid candle wax. I tried to wipe it off before it hardened but the feather was too delicate and began to fall apart. It was only on the bottom of the feather so I decided to just face it the other way. While I was turning it around, the other end also touched the wax. I sighed and just decided it was time to let go and throw it away. It was a fantasy I was holding onto. I could never have that Humanities feeling again, it's impossible. Even if I gave up my whole life as it is now for full time school at Windsor High School it could never be the fantasy I wanted school to be. I wanted the whole high school experience. I have never told this part of why I went on independent study to the open world of the internet, but not that many people read this live-journal thing anymore anyway so I suppose it isn't too revealing. Anyway, I wanted the experience. From football games to dances to life long best friends. I wanted it. But for some reason that wasn't meant for me. I tried but I couldn't. It was awkward. It was forced. I felt like I was on the outside even though I wasn't. Or maybe I was. I don't know. But it was JUST a fantasy. I looked up and saw an address I have had on my desk for probably almost a year. It is the address of someone I used to be very close with. I have this address because this person is now basically out of my life but we were supposed to "keep in touch". I realized that address still sitting there was also a fantasy. I clear my desk of everything except those things that I use on a daily basis, such as my cell phone which I will take with me whenever I go out of my room and my sunglasses which I will pick up as soon as the sun is out and I go outside. The only other things are decoration, or something I need to fill out/waiting for a response on right away, HOT things as we say at Micro-Vu. Knowing very well that the only things that are on my desk besides decoration are important things that are currently in use, this address that is sitting there has become a fantasy. I guess it always was a fantasy. It hit me like a ton of bricks that so many things that I have refused to let go of for "practical" reasons and have never used are fantasies. I mean I have mementos and know that is what they are, but when I think that I'm keeping it because I will use it and I don't, it is a fantasy. The feather was a fantasy of an experience that I wanted that didn't turn out how I wanted. I didn't want to let go of the feather because I want to hold on to the hope of having the equivalent of that experience somewhere on later in life. I am still holding onto the address that is on my desk that I have not used once because I'm still holding onto the fantasy of the friendships that I have had in the past and cannot seem to find at the moment. I have wonderful friends, but I want a soul tie. I'm not dying for one at the moment, I am really not hurting about that right now, but I think that's why I still have that address. It's still sitting there.
8 scars| mmm.... RRRRRAWR! *bites*

Friday, September 2nd, 2005

Time:8:15 am.
Mood: irritated.
I'm an idiot....
This morning I woke up and did some homework. I got ready for work and was leaving the house at 7:40 which is already 10 mins late. Oh well... What can you do? Sometimes you're just late... This also sucks because I was late earlier this week because of my Independent study meeting but I had made up all but 5 mins of it so I was that close to having fulfilled my hours for this week. Oh no, but we forgot that I'm an idiot and that's not possible. I get into the car, thinking about somethings I need to print when I get here because since my boyfriend decided yelling at me for all of last night was a good idea I didn't get my homework done. I wanted to get to work early so I could print some things and finish the HW and not have to do that with people here. That however could not be done due to the extreme exhaustion from arguing last night. So I'm on my way to work, already late, and I realize it'll be quicker to get to work if I go down Old Redwood Hwy because of the Windsor High traffic. I turn and start to go the other way. Coffee proceeds to spill down my shirt and skirt... First time I've worn this skirt too. Oops... Oh well... It'll dry.... 10 seconds later... The coffee falls out of the cup holder and spreads all over the center console area wetting my shifter, and filling the little change carrier with coffee.. Hmm can't drink it out of there. I get to work by 8 because of all of the commotion of spilling various times.
I'm an idiot.
If I wasn't an idiot I wouldn't have a boyfriend that makes outrageous claims like "Let me see the messages on your phone" or "I checked your voice mail at work and..." or "here is a list of a few things you could do just to make me feel special. If you don't do these things I will gripe and moan like a small child..."
If I wasn't an idiot I would have been able to get my homework done.
If I wasn't an idiot I would have spent the $10 weeks ago to get my thermos for my coffee..
If I wasn't an idiot I wouldn't have to be here at work 30 mins late, without all my homework done, and wet from my coffee...
SO friend.... How is YOUR morning going?
2 scars| mmm.... RRRRRAWR! *bites*

Thursday, August 4th, 2005

Subject:If only you saw what He sees
Time:4:02 pm.
Mood: thoughtful.
I didn't realize it's been so long since I updated. I'm at work and we can't get into the accounting system right now because they're updating it so I have about 15 more minutes to kill before I can leave.
I wouldn't consider myself a clumsy person, but when no one is looking I will do the stupidest things. People don't even usually see my "finest hours" which is probably a good thing, except I love to laugh, even at myself, and when no one is there it's not AS fun (it's still fun, just not the same). I did something truly embarrassing today and I don't even want to post about it because I would probably make some of you uncomfortable and it's not really lady-like... but oh my... I laughed..
Hmmm there isn't much too talk about. I don't want to bore you with the funny events that come from Shotgun because most of them you need to be there for or at least know these people like I do. Ok I'll show you what some of these people are like...
Ray is funny. He's 21 and my new friend. He's really friendly and actually kind of witty. I really like talking to him and I hope I get to see him at World Conference.
Erica is cute and adorable and awesome. She's 19 but you wouldn't guess it. She has this childlike quality that she should never lose.
Jessica has a lot of energy. She's 16 but I think she looks like she's 18. She's a great dancer. I love how she emphasizes everything. Very key in dancing.
Pastor Esteban has actually become a friend. He's not just a leader anymore, or even just a pastor to me, but someone that actually cares for me. He's 26 I think and I feel really special that he's inviting me to his wedding when we just began talking more in March/April.
Manny is adorable. He's 16 and he's the pastor's son in VO Tracy. He's actually a really sweet kid even though he's what made Santa Rosa lose in the Memorial Day softball game.
Jimmy... Oh Jimmy... He's my best friend (not REAL best friend, but the kind where you're just becoming friends so you call them your best friend because you like them a lot). He's 18 and a goober! When he was stupid he got this huge RAIDER NATION tattoo on his arm. It's so ugly! He's like my brother though, he protects me from strange guys when B isn't there and he's just a ball to be around.
Vanessa (16 I think)... She's... interesting.... I had a different first impression of her.
RJ (15) I've been close with since before Shotgun. I miss him and I can't wait for him to come back to Santa Rosa later this month. RJ is really like my brother. We get along so well at times but then we'll just make each other mad and he'll fight with me like I'm his sister and then ten minutes later we'll be talking like normal with neither of us apologizing. If that's not family I don't know what is.
Jazzy, Momi, Marti, Bonnie and everyone are great too.. I don't know them AS well, but I'm getting to know them more.
Joey (almost 18 I think) he's cool. We have a weird friendship. Maybe because it was started by Pastor Esteban telling us to practice the making-out scene (it's fake, don't worry), but I don't know. We were forced to get close really fast, so we're cool and hecka talk but we don't know each other that well.
There are so many other people but I couldn't even mention them all. Of course getting closer with Angie Costa is an everyday thing for me, and it's becoming an everyday thing with me and Shy too.
Alright, well I can leave now and I gotta go run some errands so I hope you all enjoyed taking a peak inside the Shotgun folk with me... I didn't mention like half of the really important ones but I didn't have time. Sorry.

(Remind me to talk about Stella and Dave too.)
mmm.... RRRRRAWR! *bites*

Monday, May 30th, 2005

Subject:Happy Memorial Day
Time:8:24 pm.
Mood: bored.
So I have exactly a week from tomorrow before I get in trouble at work. That should be fun. I don't understand why I'm even going to get "talked to" if I had gotten ALL of my work possible done and was emailing people AFTER that. Oh well, you live and you learn.
How was prom? Good? Paris said it was a lot of fun. I'm not really sad that Brandon and I decided not to go. I think it was for the best.
I don't know where to go when I have no one but him. It sucks because... well because, I don't need to explain it, it IS kinda bad.
I feel like it's those summer nights coming on already so very soon. The ones that would get me thinking about everything and even depressed at times. I hope this summer breaks that curse for me. I feel like going to the beach. Maybe I'll sneak out tonight and go all by my lonesome.
I'm still waiting. Waiting for that friend that won't be TOO GROWN UP to leave in the middle of the night to go to the beach, but isn't TOO IMMATURE that taking them with me would be a huge mistake. I don't know if Brandon's that one. I can't really find out soon because leaving in the middle of the night with him won't seem like it's about the BEACH to people, but about other stuff. And I don't know if he would just go because it's ME, or if that's really him. I want someone that it's really THEM to do that. I wish I knew. I wish I had that again. *SIGH* Oh well, I patiently wait for that person.
6 scars| mmm.... RRRRRAWR! *bites*

Saturday, May 28th, 2005

Subject:Self explanitory text
Time:10:58 pm.
Mood: tired.
mmm.... RRRRRAWR! *bites*

Sunday, May 1st, 2005

Subject:May already
Time:12:19 am.
Mood: excited.
My Birthday is in 5 days (if you don't count today). Pretty crazy. I hope it's as wonderful as I want it to be. I haven't had a truly great Birthday in a long time, probably since Robbie threw me my surprise Birthday party, and that was when I turned... 15 I think. I guess it hasn't been too long since a good Birthday. But besides him and those that planned my Birthday for me, no one else really cared or remembered. I guess it doesn't matter how many people remember, just that SOMEONE does.
I'm sick of the struggle that I see people going through, it's so strong that I can feel it myself. It's time I take a proactive role in helping.. I know what to do, and I WILL do it.
Sometimes I feel so in love with him, and sometimes it feels like we've been married for years and all possible sparks have faded, but every time I feel that way, I just pray and the sparks come rushing back. Today was a great day with him. Just hanging out and being dumb at the party, and then him teaching me how to play the drums (or starting to teach me). It was great, I want my own drums now so I can REALLY keep learning. It was so much fun. I love when he feels more like my friend than anything else. I love being his girlfriend, but I'd pick being his friend over his girlfriend any day. It just feels closer... Is that weird? I think the most intimate thing about us is our extremely close friendship, than our "couple" status follows after.
I don't know why I'm so dang excited about my Birthday but I can't stand it! I feel like a little kid and I don't know why but I'm counting down the days. I really don't want to be disappointed.
I should go, it's late and I have church tomorrow morning. YES! I'm really happy about that too. Alright well goodnight.
4 scars| mmm.... RRRRRAWR! *bites*

Saturday, April 9th, 2005

Time:1:57 pm.
Mood: okay.
I'm not completely sure why I'm even updating. No one reads this anymore, and I wouldn't blame anyone for stopping considering my last post date was last year!

I finally figured out to my icon the way I wanted it! It took me forever, but I love it now so that's all that counts.

I don't have too much to say, I don't want to complain about everything that's wrong in my life, but I don't want to really bore you with the lame things that are so great for me. I'm kinda speechless. I'm really tired (but it's a good tired I guess) and I have more work to do (which is also ok).

Well I should get to it. Bye.
18 scars| mmm.... RRRRRAWR! *bites*

Monday, December 20th, 2004

Subject:Juicy fugi apple
Time:1:47 pm.
Who am I to judge beauty? Have I ever truly heard it? Can I even produce it? So if I don't know the answers to these questions I should never think someone can't produce a beautiful sound if I'm not even sure what that is. I need to not be judgemental and hear the spirit instead of the noise.

The reality of a week without Brandon is beginning to sink in. No seeing him at ATAP on Monday, no seeing him at worship on Tuesday, Wednesday will be about the same (except for those few times I either got my hair dyed or went to his concert on Wednesdays), no end of the week smile on Thursday at church, no fun night with him on Friday, no worship again on Saturday, and no ALL DAY with him at church on Sunday. That's going to be a little weird. Yesterday a week honestly didn't sound that long. I told him how much I was going to miss him and that I already did (which was a little bit untruthful because I didn't really miss him that much yet and I wasn't afraid of missing him yet) but now looking out onto my week I see that it is going to be different. I'm not scared, I'm not that freaking obsessed with him, I am gonna miss him though, COME ON, a week without my best friend... Who's gonna help me get into trouble? JUST KIDDING we're good kids.

I told my mom that I really like Timothy Weaver and how fun he is and she said "I know you really like him, maybe a little too much, you might end up liking him more than Brandon *hahahaha*" I didn't laugh and I said "NO..." and blew past it continuing to prove my original point. What the heck was that? I could never like Tim, for SO many reasons.
1. HI! His name is BRANDON if you didn't notice. How could I just forget about my only male attraction for the past year?
2. He is 20, I never like guys that are as old as my siblings, or really more than a year or so older than me.
3. Hmmm I don't know if there is a number three, but I'll just say there is!
4. Because I want Costa to marry him even though she doesn't want to.
5. Uhh yeah... OO HE IS IN THE TIMOTHY HOME WHICH MEANS HE NEEDS TO STAY SUPER FOCUSED (lamest reason but hey it's one of them).

Heh this entry is so me, I don't update more than once a month and now I've already got two in one day. This week might end up being like that.
11 scars| mmm.... RRRRRAWR! *bites*

Subject:This is all I'm asking of you, 10,000 lifetimes together
Time:10:50 am.
Mood: weird.
The talk from Mario and Gwen was different than expected. I hate being told something I knew I should have done but didn't. It makes me mad, uncomfortable, and mostly at myself. Or is it at myself? I don't know what it is. This feeling though, like something is wrong and it's my fault and that things are going to be different and that people are all watching me and wanting something better. I don't know. I want to tell him something. I want to tell him that I've been praying about this for a while and already felt it and it is just the confirmation I had asked for so we should be thankful that we are getting direction so we can do this right. I know that's true, but why don't I feel that way? I don't feel as bad as I did before, but there is still that little hint of discomfort in the pit of my stomach.
"and felt the fire in your sweet embrace I swear I knew, I'm gonna love you forever"
I really like hanging out with Mr. Timothy Weaver. I think it's so weird that the people that I feel like I connect with most sometimes are a little bit older than me. Timothy Weaver is 20, Costa is 24, Michelle is 42 (or something close to that), Cassie ummm I don't really know, late 30s, early 40s... Gwen is close to 40 too I think. Brandon is 16 though, and Nikki is 15 so I'm not completely unbalanced.
I feel better than before, maybe I just needed some time with my family. I should finish cleaning my room so we can go shopping already though.
mmm.... RRRRRAWR! *bites*

Wednesday, December 15th, 2004

Subject:My mind
Time:8:33 pm.
Mood: cold.
I left school really late today. It was 5pm, I had to take a bunch of tests and the time ran away from me. The sun was almost all the way down and I saw the sports people practicing and what not. It reminded me so much of freshmen year. I remember when I would stay that late at school just to hang out with people. Marcos, Veronica, Paris, people I don't even see anymore... EVERYONE. I remember how that felt.. it felt different. I remember staying late to find guys to flirt with, to give me my rush. Boys were my rush. Today made me think about everything so differently. Now school is no longer my single's bar but it's my place of serious education. Flirting with boys doesn't give me a rush, at least not one worthy of my time. When I look for boys to be my rush I leave feeling... empty? lost? Like I'm at the wrong place at the wrong time. That was me two years ago, not me now.
Thinking of boys made me think of Marcos freshmen year. Our weird relationship of being together but NOT together. That made me think of him and that chick now.. what's her name? I honestly don't remember. Chelsea? Maybe... Jessica? Melissa? I think it was Chelsea.. My mind keeps wondering to that conversation we had.. He asked why I gave them a weird look earlier and I told him it was because it was weird to see them up on each other. I asked if he would be feeling all cool with seeing me on some freshmen guy like that, and his exact words were, "I wouldn't care, I'd tell you to go mess around in the bushes for all I care, as long as I don't see it" and I told him that's why I didn't want to see him and then he said "then don't look.." I wasn't offended... kind of... it's just weird to see him with girls and I thought he cared about me in the same way that it would be weird for him to see me with some random younger guy too. He looks like he's just with her because she's younger and would be easier to attract, but of course that is just a pre-judgement. He asked if I was mad by his comment and I said "No, you just think about things differently than I thought you would..." He walked away sad, like how Brandon does when he knows he's hurt me and he feels bad. But Marcos didn't run after me and make sure that I was ok and that I know he still loves me. Brandon does.
I started to think about Brandon again and how it would be if he went to school with me. I thought of that when I left Christian Club this morning. I thought about how he would come with me to my car and sit with me while I put on my make-up before school on Wednesdays. I thought about how he would walk me to class and be with me probably all the time. I started to think of how we would get to hang out ALL the time like normal best friends that live in the same city and go to the same school. Ricon Valley is a lot farther than you'd think. Especially when you are broke.
I got in my car and I see Brandon's number blinking on my phone, he's calling me. But oh wait, he isn't... it wasn't a really cool moment where we were thinking about each other at the same time, it was just his mom. Hah, Michelle calls me more than anyone else. She asked how I was doing and we talked for a minute, then she asked if something was going on with me and Brandon, apparently he's been down and he "doesn't care to discuss it with them" so she was just seeing if I knew. I told her we were fine and he just said he really missed me yesterday and that was it. I don't think I'm supposed to tell him she called me, but I'm kinda worried about him now.
Later I remembered that he left a voice recording on my phone last week and I never checked it... I saved it. It said..
"Hi honey, I just wanted to tell you that I love you so much and that you are a huge blessing to my life and that I want to do this right with you because I want to be with you forever. Ok? I love you so much. You're the best." Sometimes I feel like he's my only friend that really cares. Hmmm I don't want to be one of those girls that only thinks that because she's already isolated everyone else. I kinda did isolate people, but only the ones that hurt me. I know I can't do that.. but I don't know. Oh well, he's going to be gone for a week and I'll get a chance to spend time with other people. Hopefully if I've not really been around enough I will now. I don't even hang out with Brandon that often, but whatever, I'm the wrong one.... (if anyone thinks that I am).
Well Costa just called me (fron downstairs) so I'm gonna go hang out with the "young adults" that meet here every Wednesday.
mmm.... RRRRRAWR! *bites*

Thursday, October 28th, 2004

Subject:He's that first ray of sunshine in my morning.....
Time:10:48 pm.
Mood: giddy.
*Look at phone*
Me thinking: Hmmm I gotta voicemail....
*Call up voicemail center and put in password*
I hear (Brandon's voice): Hey Honey, it's your best friend! I was just thinking about you and I wanted to let you know that you are my one and only special girl and I love you so much. I'll see you tonight at church, alright? Bye"

Man, I haven't posted in a while, but I figured putting a little something up about the most important person in my life would be a fitting update.
3 scars| mmm.... RRRRRAWR! *bites*

Tuesday, September 7th, 2004

Subject:A few questions I would like to pose...
Time:3:43 pm.
Mood: confused.
Who am I? And be thorough, I need to write a paper on this.

Why does it feel like me and Ang (Costa) are changing?

Why does it feel like no one really wants to be my best friend besides Brandon? Why don't I want him to be my only best friend? Probably because I don't want to be totally dependent on him... that's good I guess...

Why is everyone wanting to hate Amanda right now? Well not everyone, but some people...

Why do I have this weird feeling?

Why am I not being proactice and working on my homework? I should do that...
12 scars| mmm.... RRRRRAWR! *bites*

Friday, September 3rd, 2004

Subject:But... but.. but-but-but... but...
Time:11:28 pm.
Mood: jealous.
So far school has been going pretty well. Core is more than awesome, I am so in love with it, Art II is fun, AVID is kinda boring right now, Chemistry seems like it is going to be challenging, and Trig./Pre-Calc is going to take determination and hard work. I want to do all my homework tonight so that my weekend is totally free. Sound good?

Ok enough pretending that's why I wanted to update. Man, Brandon is so awesome. You know what's even worse? He is really cute. I wish I was saying this in a happy "I'm so blessed" kinda way, but I'm not. I'm saying it almost like I wish he wasn't. Before school started I got to thinking I hope he doesn't fall for anyone at his school. Yesterday he was being kinda weird and said something that could have been taken a different way, and then today Olivia tells me, "Oh yeah I think this girl likes Brandon. She wrote 'Brandon loves Shannon' on his hand today..." First he's being weird and saying dumb stuff and then letting random girls that like him write on him? He told me the other day that some girl told him he got hot and all this drama, I wonder if it's her. Now call me crazy and jealous, it may even be true, but I don't think it's fair for him to frolic around his school like he's "on the market" when he has a heart attack and a half if any guy tries to talk to me in a way that can be construed as anything BUT an unattractive friend. I just got irritated and mad, I wanted to stay mad to prove a point to him but I didn't get a chance to because we didn't get to talk as much as I would have liked. Then he gave me all the things he tagged for me (I asked him for stuff so I can make my binder pretty). He made me like a million that say "BRANDON LOVES AMANDA" and like ten million more that say "B AND A" all super pretty and uhh yeah he wrote A SONG FOR ME (did I mention he can sing?). He's just this amazing guy, and what irritates me is that this chick that is trying to spit game probably does not even KNOW how awesome he is, she just sees the "casual friend" side which is great but nothing compared to the REAL Brandon. I hate that we go to different schools but I like it so much. I like that he's my best friend but I'm not dependent on him. I like that we have lives away from each other, sometimes lives quite far from each other. I think it's cool that we have totally separate friends (school friends) and we are still so close. I love that we have enough distance to NEVER get sick of each other or rush things, but I hate that the distance requires more trust. Do I HAVE to trust him? I do already, but I really don't want to. The more I trust him, the more I leave my heart out to be squashed. I know God will never give me anything I can't handle, and I guess I need to focus more on that, but it's just hard. I need to go. I'm gonna pick which tagging I'm gonna use for my binder and then do some homework, go eat and SLEEP. Yeah... good game plan.
2 scars| mmm.... RRRRRAWR! *bites*

Wednesday, August 25th, 2004

Subject:My mood has nothing to do with this post
Time:1:22 pm.
Mood: hopeful.
Econ/Gov, Kaufman
Humanities, Kaufman
English, Murdock

Avid, Maxson
Art II, Nugent (YAAAY!)
Chemistry, Ames
Trig./Pre-Calc., Vrolyks
mmm.... RRRRRAWR! *bites*

Tuesday, August 17th, 2004

Time:1:13 am.
Mood: scared.
Today it hit me once again how old I am getting. I don't mean that in a "Oh my back is going to go out" kind of way, but in a "OH MY! I'm becoming closer and closer to an adult every day!" Right now I am gripped by some serious fear about my future. Before all I could think about was my future and how I had already planned it all out for myself. Now that I've changed so much and have given over my future to God it seems scary to look down the road and see that the future is so near and I don't feel prepared at all. I realized again the other day that I AM GOING TO START THIS YEAR AS A JUNIOR. It was weird for me to drive to school and figure out my schedule, to clear things up and realize how close my graduation is. Today I was also struck with the reminder of how important some careers have been to me in the past. Things I had/have a passion for was brought to my attention once again. I realized that I'm going to have to take a SERIOUS look at colleges this year and that scares me. For some reason the thought of going to the UTC doesn't scare me, but the thought of going to college does. I don't know which is right for me, but I have a weird paranoia about college. Before it was what I KNEW I wanted, my whole life was being formed around that. Now school is just a mere tool for a bigger plan in my life. A wealthy life and perfect family isn't my goal for my future, fullfilling my calling in life is. I feel like I KNOW I am called into full-time ministry and I've just set that idea in my head for long enough to feel like that is my future, but the truth is I do not know. I don't know for sure if that is what my future holds, I only assume. I don't KNOW if full-time ministry is my destiny, or if college and a nice career my true fate. I'm sure you are all thinking, "This chick is insane! She is 16 and talking like this is going to all be decided tomorrow..." but I just didn't realize how close I am. If high school has already gone by this fast, isn't it only bound to finish faster? It's weird, this feeling inside, like, I wouldn't feel bad about leaving Brandon to go to the UTC because I know God would move in my life so awesome there it would be unreal, but leaving him to go to a college somewhere else feels wrong... Leaving VO to go to a college where I will probably struggle in my spiritual life seems wrong. I think I would really struggle more without VO. The thing is if I'm not called to be in full-time ministry, then I don't want a job that I'm just settling for, I want a career that I LOVE. But then again, if I love my job too much, will ministry take a backseat to my job? Can't I have both? I'm sure I can, I'm sure I could have a job I truly enjoy and still be in a lot of ministry. *sigh* My future is not in my hands, and that is a really really good thing.
2 scars| mmm.... RRRRRAWR! *bites*

Sunday, July 25th, 2004

Subject:Good side of things
Time:11:35 pm.
Mood: creative.
Lately I only post when I'm going through something so I figured I would post now when I'm not in a bad mood to show the other side of my life that isn't so horrible.

I made a new friend, Ulga, actually, she is just a voice I do, but she gets laughs out of EVERYONE!

Brandon wants us to be a "team". Not completely sure what that means, but all I know is that it has to do with helping each other out more and always being there for each other. Sounds good to me.

Tonight was the first night the youth led worship and it was a big success, I love how much I'm growing lately.

I don't know why, but I really like Ashlee Simpson. Sometimes she's like the kind of girl that I would hate, but I DON'T hate her. I even like her music and the style of it and all. Pieces of Me is pretty good, but the other songs on her CD are better from what I know.

Otay well time to go try and write some stuff. I'll try to keep you all (basically MARY) posted on any new events happening in my life.
2 scars| mmm.... RRRRRAWR! *bites*

Friday, July 23rd, 2004

Time:1:25 pm.
Mood:I don't know.
I  received a picture of "The Cuevas" in the mail. (For those of you who do not know who that is, it is Paris and her husband, Hercules.) Indifference.

I am a little hurt that he didn't stand up for me when his brother started to cuss me out. Usually any little thing Connor says to me at ALL, nice or otherwise (even though he's just joking), he'll freak out and put an end to it. The one time Connor is serious, he doesn't back me up. Hmmm... I guess he doesn't support me in this. I wish I had more support, but I'm not getting as much as I would have hoped for. Not sufficient.

Y si vivimos, para El vivimos. Y si morimos, para El morimos. Sea que vivamos, or que muramos, somos del Senior, somos del Senior. True sentiment.
mmm.... RRRRRAWR! *bites*

Tuesday, July 6th, 2004

Subject:My mind at the moment (not meant to make sense)
Time:11:16 pm.
Mood: stressed.
B's Birthday.
B's present.
Dad's mad.
I have to talk to Angie.
I hope Ang doesn't get shady because my dad is weird.
Ok make him cookies, and then go to the Candy Store and Walmart, maybe even the mall.
Get money somehow.
Man, this won't compare to what he would/did do for me.
B isn't popular with my mom right now, I wonder if she joking or really thinking I should move on because of the flirting.
I'm mad at him and don't understand why.
I should get him something but I'm angry.
Does he really care about me?
Jonathan is depressing me.
Is he out of the Timothy home already?
Josh is really close-minded.
Is Justina ok, or getting more sick?
Why is my dad butthurt when Derrick use to be a jerk to me.
Is Sonia ok?
I haven't talked to Britty or Mary enough lately.
I didn't want to be near, nor away from B today.
I'm confused, why do I feel angry?
He made himself look bad before and now we must reap what he sewed.
Is Angie C being kinda weird?
Today was.... good.. stressful... odd... not paticularly good... Right?
I have to write some people letters tomorrow and figure out B's present.
Man I wish I could see him on his Birthday... or.. I don't know.
Should I talk to his mom about his behavior? Should I talk to him about it? Am I just in a mood or does it still bug me?
I'm tired.
Oh man I have school tomorrow.
*Feels a little sick*
I should sleep.
19 scars| mmm.... RRRRRAWR! *bites*

Friday, July 2nd, 2004

Subject:I wish it was all simple
Time:12:45 am.
Mood: confused.
Man, I don't know what the heck is up.... Am I just being jealous and paranoid? Ok I know for sure he was flirting with Jazzy, he even admitted he crossed the line, but was he flirting with Angie too? They were flirting if you ask me. If they weren't, how come when I told my mom the story she got upset? How come Angie C saw it as shady too then? I don't know I need to pray for wisdom in this situation. Who knows, I just don't feel to settled at the moment.

He knew I was mad. We finally started to talk and Costa was helping me out in telling him what was up, and he didn't say much but tried to defend himself a little bit. After I was irritated so I cut out toward the car, he was on his way over after and saw me and walked up to me. He apologized. I hate how he can get that look, like he's about to cry, and how he can make me feel like losing me would crush him, and just make me want to cry too. I hate how he pulls that. After apologizing a lot and saying he was going to make it right he said, "I only want to be with you... *kinda laughed* I want to MARRY you. I want to be a father.." Now let's get this straight, he's told me that he "wants to be with me forever" before, but that's different. He said he wants to MARRY me. For some reason it means a lot more coming from him. It's almost scary. With every other guy they said that hecka quick so it was just a fantasy sort of thing, but we NEVER talk like we're going to get married. We'll always be like "Yeah when I'm married..." or "Yeah when you get married your husband/wife should..." but we'll never be like IT'S GONNA BE YOU.. you know? Just saying you want to be with someone forever just means you could hecka kick it with them basically... I mean Ryan said that to me the last time we hooked up, it doesn't mean the same to me anymore. But saying you want to get MARRIED, and especially with someone who doesn't rush into saying that kinda stuff, it's deep, and heavy, and a little bit frightening.

I think the scary part is that I really WOULD want to marry him, but every time in the past I've said "Yeaaah we're gonna get married" and that was our undoing. We weren't realistic and were in love with the mirage. I don't want to say that I want to marry B and then end up having this be a mirage. He is truly my best friend. He's not LIKE my best friend, he IS my best friend.

I need to sleep, the wedding is on Saturday and I don't wanna keep staying up late and look like crap. Bye-bye.
6 scars| mmm.... RRRRRAWR! *bites*

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